![ghosted 1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVKReWCbmRKMpEaTgBnGLKWg4KmfEd1s2HMF7VBxAcRHw/ghosted%201.jpg)

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Good evening and hello! I just wanted to say, _howdy!_ Also, _hi there!_, and _how’s it going?_ Welcome back to **The Neverending Standup**, again for some reason! We should probably call it The Neverending _Holdup_ instead, because you all are being held here against your will to witness some of the worst standup in the history of standup! _Is this thing on??_ LOL! @brandt here, and tonight I’ll be filling in for the madman living inside my mind, because apparently [all that caffeine and insomnia](https://steemit.com/humor/@brandt/what-happens-when-the-only-thing-that-makes-you-happy-also-makes-you-sad) were the last two straws that broke the madman’s back, so to speak, because now he’s blown a gasket and gone off and disappeared into the woods like some kind of madman. _Idiot._ He does this every couple weeks or so. I assume this time it’s because Halloween is just around the corner and he needs to practice howling at the new moon and terrorizing the poor miner ghosts who inhabit these hills and would much prefer it if everyone just left them alone. ### Hopefully he falls into an open mineshaft and dies. I’ve been quite a bit dismayed by all the havoc he’s been wreaking here with this stupid _Neverending Standup_ thing of his. Believe it or not I really do try to hold him back, but good luck keeping a madman reined in, right? If he wants to be wild, I guess he’s just gonna be wild. You can’t put animals in cages. Yes, that _is_ a jab at America Fuck Yeah’s monstrously inhumane prison system, and it's also definitely a topic for the madman to rant and rave about, not me. **Stay tuned.** So anyway. I think the best thing I can do right now is just try and make the most of my situation. So, while the madman’s out being a total dick to all those poor innocent ghosts, and also hopefully dying very slowly and painfully at the bottom of a vertical mineshaft, I’m gonna spend some time talking to all you wonderful souls about ### how to ghost people. There’s really not that much to it. You just quit talking to them! You stop responding. You stop showing up when and where you’re supposed to show up. _You disappear,_ like a ghost. As the one and only **Pat the Bunny** so skillfully put it, ### [_"lash out and vanish into mist."_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN4wusyKBRM)
So I guess tonight's show is gonna be a lot less about how to ghost people, and a lot more about how _I’ve_ ghosted people. **Let me give you an example!** In the slice of time between _back when I used to be a writer_, and _now_, I’ve been trying my luck with an oddball assortment of odd jobs that never really seem to work out. I did real estate for a while… but the job was just too fake, and I couldn’t take it. Then I took a position at a local bank… but there was no money in it, so I quit. At one point I tried to start my own homebrewing company… but then I found out I was technically supposed to get a _license_ and register my company with the _state_ and on top of that pay _taxes_, and that’s clearly not a viable business model, so I locked myself in my room with 250 bottles of homebrewed trippel and didn’t come out till I’d drunk every last bottle dry. Apparently that’s not a viable business model, either. _Oh well, at least I tried._ Then I after that I took up raising mountain goats for a while… but that turned out to be _extremely_ illegal, for a variety of extremely dumb reasons, and they told me I could either release the goats, or go experience America’s monstrously inhumane prison system firsthand. So I let the goats go, and got a job as a contractor [hunting souls for Satan](https://steemit.com/mountains/@brandt/c-mon-follow-me-up-where-the-devil-don-t-go-it-ll-be-fun). That was probably the best and easiest money I’ve ever made in my life, but then Satan got sick of how cold and miserable the winters are around here, and he took off south looking for warmer accommodations. Last I heard he’s somewhere in Georgia. Most recently I was employed as a dishwasher part time at two different restaurants, one in Frisco and one in Twin Lakes… **and this is where my example of ghosting people really starts.** So here I am, washing dishes for a living, and actually kind of enjoying it, too. Because it’s not hard work, as long as you're able to move fast, and it doesn’t send you spinning into this neverending downward spiral of depression and creative burnout like writing does. Plus, free food and beer every night! Talk about job perks. _Oh, you're offering 100% healthcare coverage, 401k matching, two months of paid vacation every year, health & wellness stipends, and a company laptop… but no free food and beer?? **PASS!!**_ Anyway, so then one day Carl, my boss at the restaurant in Twin Lakes, offered me full-time hours. I was thrilled, because it was a lot closer to home than the restaurant in Frisco, and the pay was the same. How could I say no? So of course I accepted the offer and put in my two weeks' notice at my other job. ### Little did I know! I went to pick up my paycheck a few days before the beginning of what I _thought_ was going to be my awesome new full-time job, and Carl was like: _Hey @brandt. Yeah, so I lied about those full-time hours._ … … Umm, excuse me? _Yeah, it’s still going to be part-time, just like it was before. Sorry._ **Come again?** _You heard me. See you at 2pm Friday?_ … … Needless to say, I was a terrible combination of livid and also terrified, because, I mean, we’re talking about rent here! We’re talking about insurance, medical bills, jet fuel in the Brandtmobile, food on the coffee table, _coffee_ on the coffee table, beer inside _me_, and condoms inside _her!_ So I very politely explained that _Hey, you guys promised me full-time hours!_, and _Hey, I literally quit my other job so I could work full time for you guys!_, and _Hey, this is very much a very, very big problem here!_ Then I told him yes, _of course_ I’ll be there to work my scheduled shift this coming weekend! Yep, 2pm Friday, just as planned! Yep! I’ll be there for sure! And then I left to deposit my paycheck. ### Little did _he_ know! How many of you here have ever worked in the restaurant industry before? Show of hands. Raise your hand if you’ve ever worked in a restaurant. Uh huh, yep, I see there’s a bunch of you out there. Who wants to tell the rest of the audience here what happens when your dishwasher doesn’t show up for work? Haha, yep, you said it, man! You said it! This guy _gets_ it! Since you probably couldn't hear what he said, what he said was, _**YOU'RE FUCKED.**_ And he’s right, because not having a dishwasher can literally shut a restaurant down. Yeah, washing dishes is literally one of the shittiest jobs out there. But it’s also a pretty _important_ shitty job. Dishwashers are like toilets. Their job is shit! And everyone takes them for granted. But just try taking them out of the picture. Suddenly everyone’s panicking, pissing their pants, and shitting their britches because _Oh my god, this thing we were taking for granted is suddenly gone, and nothing in the world makes sense anymore!_ Anyway, what I’m really trying to say here is, **Carl lied to me,** **so I ghosted him and his goddamn restaurant,** **and please for the love of god** ### don’t ever give your business to The Twin Lakes Inn & Saloon in Twin Lakes, Colorado! Unless you’re _inn_ the business of arson, in which case, **by all means be my guest and please go burn it to the fucking gr—** … … Hold on. Wait. _Shit._ **Shit shit shit.** I just realized something. I think I just realized what the madman’s up to! Goddammit! I was _joking_ about burning it down, madman! **Madman, you get yourself back home right the fuck _now!_** Don’t you fucking _dare!!_ I don't give a _damn_ about how much you need to practice howling at the new moon!! There’s a big difference between _ghosting_ someone, ##### and _burning down a restaurant_ that for all we know might have _people sleeping_ in the inn upstairs!! #### Hear me now, madman! ### Get yourself back inside my head right the fuck _now_, or I’m ghosting you forever!

![ghosted 2.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbdTYCKyeDVtK367oAo5eWQT64Sz2LBLDXMXQRUWqnFBV/ghosted%202.jpg)

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_Can you ever really ghost yourself, though?_ _{THE NEVERENDING STANDUP — EPISODE 6 — “TO GHOST A MADMAN”} _{DAYS SINCE LAST ALCOHOL: 8.5% ABV} _{_All photos taken by me. All names changed to protect the privacy of the damned. This content may or may not include alternative facts. This content does not represent @brandt's actual beliefs or opinions about anything. This content is comedy. This comedy is content. Not recommended for children of any age. Nobody gives a shit about your goddamn small-town shitty piece-of-shit inn slash saloon, Carl. Go fuck yourself. Discord: brandt#1284._}