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A few years ago, Sarah told me about a Flat Earth Documentary and since it seemed like the funniest concept ever, I jumped on the opportunity to laugh at Youtubers who still live in the middle ages. I am no stranger to conspiracy theories: I’ve been known to strap on the old tinfoil hat from time to time, but I don’t care enough to take them too seriously, because there is a line that I won’t cross. No one ever talks about this line, but it’s definitely there and every unfortunate soul that has crossed it is never quite the same. I have seen extremely charismatic people brought to their knees over conspiracies like 9/11, UFOs, and Sandy Bridge, it is as if these topics consume them and every conversation leads back to Tinfoil City Arizona. My policy has always been to never believe in anything one hundred percent, because who has the energy for strong beliefs? So, when I cranked up the Flat Earth Documentary I assumed that some nut job would pop out, Alex-Jonesing up the place, about ships falling off the edge. Instead, the documentary opened with typical NASA footage, that shows lots of bubbles in space and the random scuba divers that accidentally gets caught on camera, but did this convince me that the earth is flat? Hell no! Everyone knows that NASA is dodgy as hell; they’re like that crack head relative that turns up every few years only to show us some terrible art or some fucked up pottery, while telling us about his lofty ambitions, like going back to school on mars. And, even though I know my cousin Freddy is full of shit, I still feel guilty and end up giving him twenty bucks, due to all the intrusive thoughts of random penises entering his mouth if I refuse to give him money. So, yeah! NASA is pretty fucked up, but this documentary wasn’t telling me anything new until someone asked: “If a constellation is currently positioned directly above Australia, how can it also be visible just above the tree line in the United States?” My mind was seriously blown, how is this possible and how can I make sense of this question? I began to wonder if crack would help me to understand how I had been looking through the earth to see stars on the other side, I quickly grabbed my phone to call Freddy, but then I remembered that the pay phone that he used to answer was removed. As the documentary continued, they began showing pictures of cities and mountains that were over a hundred miles away and that should also be below the curve of the earth. I knew there had to be a reasonable answer to this question so I googled, “Flat Earth Debunked” and I found dozens of articles claiming that the reason why we can see things on the other side of the planet was due to mirages and sometimes swamp gas, which didn’t really seem like they put much thought into this. Also, what the fuck is swamp gas? Seriously, what the hell is happening with swamps to make them so damn gassy? And when did science take the stance that the observable is always swamp gas? I’ve been to the Louisiana bayou many times and I have never heard that thing let one rip. So, I jumped back over to the documentary and it went on to explain Einstein’s Theory of Gravity which is completely theoretical since it is just an equation that can’t be observed because it is so damn selective over which objects it chooses to create a gravity field around. Then the documentary went on to explain Tesla’s Dynamic Theory of Gravity which claims that if something is lighter than air it floats and if it’s heavier than air, it falls. I’ll be honest with you, as crazy as this theory sounds, it was making a lot of sense to me and I began to feel the need to strap on my tinfoil hat, so, the men in black wouldn’t come get me, only to have me water boarded by Bigfoot. So, by the end of this documentary, I came to the conclusion that the earth is probably flat, but who cares, right? I mean, there could be more land past Antarctica, but if there is, it’s not as if the UN will let it be discovered in my lifetime, so, the only thing that this info was good for was making funny memes and I made a lot of them.
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About a year later, I began to notice how crazy people get over this topic and how scientists ridicule flat-eathers, instead of providing proof that the earth is round. I mean, seriously, one descent photo of the earth from space would probably do it, but since NASA spent all their money crack, a real photo from space is out of the question. Although, this doesn’t help me, because NASA’s drug problems just aren’t meme-worthy, even the humor of getting ridiculed by a crack head is so 2008 that it would be like making memes about Guantanamo Bay. But the other day, I noticed something strange, Youtube is disabling the accounts of flat-earthers, claiming that this is hate speech. What?… Is Youtube under the impression that they hate globes? And when did globes become a minority group, demanding equality and burning their Bahamas? What the fuck is happening here? I have no idea, maybe Bigfoot finally got his hands on Youtube and he rules with iron fist or maybe this is Sandy Bridge all over again! All I know for sure is that science has a lot of explaining to do, but crack is one hell of a drug!
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