So a little context: I was on the verge of a meltdown today - you know the type, where it "feels" like EVERYTHING is crashing down and out to get you, even that dog is giving you the stink eye, and it feels like you can't win? Yea it was one of those. So I threw in the towel, swam home *(it was raining)* and took a microdose. If I was going to have to face an avalanche of emotional outpouring I wanted it on MY side dang it. ...Okay, maybe I was freaking out and took a little bit stronger of a dose than usual.... I didn't want to break apart, I wanted to breakTHROUGH. So I had my lil dose, got the wiggles *(yea MAYbe a little too much)*, ate a disturbing amount of food, allowed myself to check out for a little while, reading a guilty pleasure *(don't judge, they're amazing)*, and when I got TOO wiggly for that, I allowed my self to veg on a couple of my favorite YouTubers *('cough ...cough cough...'* 🙄 *Don't Judge Me! They're just so, content in life!)*, but always with the plan in the back of my mind that I needed to try some emergency reprogramming. Over the last several months I started microdosing *(thank you to Dr. James Fadiman, giving a little boost to the ideas from Sir John Hargrave, Gay Hendricks and many others)*. Additionally, I have been ingesting some really lovely meditations/affirmations *(thank you to Louise Hay and the Rewrite Bundles)*, and even I can see that there has been an obvious increase in my productivity and in the amount of surprising miracles manifesting around me. For example: 1. My residency finally came through, all of a sudden after 2 PAINfully long and frustrating years? Thank you meditations *(meds)*, microdosing and a spontaneous decision of my parents to fast and pray for me one random day *(same day that I was dosing and meditating over my residency issue...* 🤔*)*. 2. I suddenly recorded THREE ALBUMS after Decades of "meaning to? Thank you meds, dosing and encouraging support of an amazing stranger. 3. My rent has been paid somewhat magically the last few months *(and I assume this coming one as well)*? 4. My dad, after blessing ME, out of his own Nothingness, just had his gift come back at him 100-fold. Thank you, thank you thank you. And there is so much MORE for which to give thanks. However, even in the face of these recognizable and even measurable cause and effect type blessings, I somehow allowed myself to slip on doing my meds regularly. And it started to show. I was cracking apart at the seems today and I could feel it coming. So yea. I eventually set aside my computer and lay down, in the dark, headphones plugged in, meditation washing over my open mind, and a thought came to me *(...a lil further down, still have another paragraph of rambling)*. I have been getting frustrated because it feels as if I am hustling, and hustling, and trying, and trying, and working, and working, and dreaming, and begging, and praying, and making, fighting, and falling, and getting back up again and again and trying, Again, even when I am freaking EXHAUSTED! Yet it feels like NOTHING is giving! My bank account is STILL laughing at me, but now in TWO languages *(Oh, I moved to Spain in 2017... fyi)*. I still spend a ridiculous amount of my time alone *(sure I could affect this, but it's really hard to THINK let alone make an effort to socialize when staring at the bottom of your account)*. I still have all of these dreams that feel SO close and SO, So so far away. I still feel like I can't MAKE it one more step if something doesn't give. And first of all, a LOT of things have been giving, esPECIALLY lately, but then I FEEL like I end up right back where I started anyway. I know it's my perception playing games with me. I can SEE how and where I have grown if I stop and make an effort to look. But when life starts to rain, I keep allowing myself to Feel like NOTHING is changing, like I'll never win, like I'll never rise to the top, like no one will ever care, like nothing I do will matter, like this is it, and if this is it, then what's the point? *(Not suicidal, just... why get out of bed? There are perfectly good books in bed)*. Meditations are still rolling over me, the music melting into my skin, the affirmations hopefully attaching themselves to my synapses and replacing old faulty beliefs. AND then suddenly, randomly Steemit pops into my brain. Specifically SteemPower. 50% SBD / 50% SP And a lightbulb flicked on. ![](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1444703686981-a3abbc4d4fe3?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=eyJhcHBfaWQiOjEyMDd9&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1050&q=80) I have been working my ASS off. I can admit that I have actually been working my Ass off. I haven't just been twiddling my thumbs like my old thoughts wants me to believe. AND I have been seeing some of the results. That "50% SBD", if you will, has been pouring into my life. With my music, for example, I see my Instagram followers increasing, I get little bursts of money and opportunities and some gigs here and there, people from around the world reach out to me from time to time, people in the streets recognize me. And yes, I can also admit that those things slide through my fingers. The "50% SBD" return on my efforts in life gets converted and spent immediately on rent and food and seems to vanish as if it never existed. People go home. The internet keeps on interneting. If I choose to FOCUS on THOSE things, then yes, it seems like my hands are still empty. HOWEVER, if I CHOOSE to, I can actually focus on the 50% SP instead. The SteemPower of life. I have been INVESTING, non-stop, not fast, but steadily this year. I have been live streaming, I have been recording, I have been street performing, my face is in the photo and video albums of THOUSANDS of cell phones across the GLOBE as international visitors to Valencia and Madrid have stopped and let my music wash over them in the streets, bars, restaurants, and festivals I've passed through this and last year. ALL of these things are set up, sleepers, all over my physical and perceptual universe, waiting to be triggered when the time is ripe. I have NOT been wasting my time, and yes, this is something I "knew" and know, but something which I rarely every focus on. All of this effort, instead of being immediately spent like the "50% SBD" of busking tips and social media likes, has been ACCUMULATING in the abstract, invisible reality just beyond the immediate reach. ACCUMULATING. IRL SteemPower. Influence. Potential. It is all there. Each thing I do is WORTH doing, because that "SteemPower" continues to build. And it will not only bless me, but it will also bless those with whom I come into contact as I uplift others around me, using my influence to boost them further than I otherwise would have been able to do had I not invested my time. And I have BEEN investing for ALMOST TWO SOLID YEARS. As in, the SteemPower is About to start paying off in a big way. The irony is not lost on me *(I get that there are a significant number of things I have yet to understand about how SP actually works, but just... go with me)*. April marks Two Years exactly of my time, sweat, tears and even some hair *(okay, quite a bit of hair)*, spent on this particular phase of my life. So yes, I can continue to lay the foundations and continue to build my influence, and continue to work my ASS off, because there IS a point. My efforts are not evaporating, they are Building. I have proven time and again that I can do virtually ANYthing if I believe in it, and my greatest obstacle has been that I was loosing sight of my belief. This whole rambling blog post thing may seem... insignificant to you? Cute at best? But for me, it reestablishes purpose and lends motivation. I am not striving in vain *(a thing I "knew" but could not GRASP)*. The work I am doing IS paying off. And not just in the future, it is paying off RIGHT NOW. I can SEE the "SteemPower" building up Right Now. It Is already paying off. The exponential RESULTS of the payoffs of my investment are what I do not yet see. And that is EXCITING, not frustrating. I am allowed, now, to be content, happy, and excited about the work I do. I can graciously accept and use my "50% SBD" in life, and I can See and smile about the accumulation of my "50% SP" *(and let's be honest, sometimes 100% SP ZERO SBD...)*. Everything actually IS fine. No tongue, no cheek, no meme. I'm... I'm okay. Everything is good, right here, right now. I am safe. Being abundant is my birthright. I forgive myself for any perceived mistake that I made. Persistence and dedication come naturally for me. ***I am transforming myself into the successful person I dream of becoming.*** I am loved. Life is a great adventure. I am open to receive. I always have more than enough. Because I am committed, there is always a way. So anyway, yea. That. I just... wanted to share that. I'm going to go back to my meds now and let them soak deeper into my fiber. But I wanted to say thank you, again, to you. You have supported my fledgling attempt to join the Steem community, you have welcomed me, and I continue to learn a little more each day. I am excited to see what comes next. And I am excited to share what I discover. So yes. Thank you.

Photo by [Greg Rakozy](https://unsplash.com/@grakozy)