In a tragic story from Sydney CBD Westfield shopping centre yesterday, local man Grant Garry had to be rushed to hospital after failing to find a seat for more than five hours during shopping with his girlfriend.

Local witnesses reported that Grant, complaining that he was “Going to die” in the Zara’s, was soon quiet after the duo entered Tigerlily. A shopping assistant in Priceline was the first to notice that Grant looked pale, and was considering offering him a blush sample to artificially return the colour to his face.

“Then he just collapsed on the floor and started having a seizure,” confirmed the same shopping assistant, Carrie (27).“I didn’t mean to spend that long in Oroton,” wailed longtime girlfriend, Hannah. “But there was a sale on that I couldn’t afford to miss because, paradoxically, I could afford it.”

Doctors at the Royal Alfred Hospital fought to save Mr Garry’s legs, but deemed there to be no other alternative than to conduct a double amputation on the patient’s legs.

Mr Garry was awake this morning after the seven hour operation, doped up on morphine. He was still lucid enough, however, to give the following statement.“I can’t fucking believe this. I told her I didn’t want to go shopping. I said, ‘Just pick me up at the pub after you’re done.’ But no, apparently that wasn’t an option. Now I don’t have any legs. Can you imagine how much the boys are going to take the piss out of me for this?” he said, seething while eating a Cornetto.

Originally published on Medium.