![ihavesinned.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZA39ivj8QNZW5Ue1DsFej9TqqmQtvS7oFJqWnAAZKN2T/ihavesinned.png) --- *"Forgive me father (Steem), for I have sinned. My last confession (post) was 6 days ago. I am heartily sorry for having offended you. During the torturous decline in Steem and SBD, I fell into the obscurity of the darkness that surrounds me. I tried to be brave and I fought back with every inch of power I could bring forth, but I failed you. I failed myself. These are my sins."* ---

6 Days Feels Like A Lifetime.

> I am not the best writer, but I thought I'd give you an insight in my life. A dark and nasty nightmare for some, but a normal day for me. A nightmare I'm desperately trying to get out from. I have never tried to hide things regarding my life. I have always tried to be open and honest about my well-being, my mental illness and my studies. I have publicly talked and shared different details about myself. I have tried to be real and honest. I have expressed my feelings and my gratitude to specific Steemians who I've mentioned by name on several occassions and I have told my readers and my audience that I wouldn't be where I am in life without the wonderful and amazing support I have, and that I wouldn't have managed to achieve any of the things I have without the incredible opportunity Steem(it) gives me. These last few weeks have taken a huge toll on me. To be in a constant, never ending battle, and no matter what obstacles that comes in my way, always try to stay positive and continue to fight brought me into a situation I could no longer handle. I was too weak to fight back all these overwhelming obstacles. I failed. I failed myself. For far too long, I have tried to uphold a fake facade. I have been too stubborn and ignorant to realize that I should've given up a long time ago. Life, and all the things that have been coming my way, brought me down to my knees on several occasions but I have never given up. I've kept a tight hold of my dreams and I have kept pushing myself forward with high hopes of changes. I have wished that something better will come my way. Desperate times. Desperate situation. No matter how desperate I've been, I've never dared to give up. I don't want to be a failure, but I'm starting to believe that failure is my destiny. I think I rushed into things, blinded by my dreams. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be who I believe I am supposed to be. Perhaps I'm not the person I thought I was. If I can't even handle my own life and my own problems, how am I supposed to help someone else? It's often easier to help others because you'll be able to *"pause"* your own reality for a while... But I've started to lose faith. In myself. Perhaps I've been too desperate in my attempt to pursue my dreams, so I've become too ignorant to clearly see how the reality looks like. Perhaps I've been neglecting myself, due to my own ignorance. Perhaps I'm just a nobody, that never will become a President or accomplish anything life changing for anyone... Perhaps my attempts have been in vain. It seems that no matter what I do, I'm being tracked down and haunted. I solve one problem and find a solution for another one, but life pushes me back on my knees again. I still haven't given up, no matter how many times I've been told to do it. I have tried to push myself towards my goals and to pursue my dreams because my life belongs to me. No one should decide who I am or what I should do. No one but me... But I've started to realize that I'm just a pawn in a chess game. I have done everything I can to adapt. I have tried to change my behaviour, my approach and my beliefs due to rules, guidelines and due to what others have said. The system is flawed and I've tried to fight back. All in vain. I have tried my best to regain control over my situation, to conquer any problem or obstacles coming my way, but life has given me too much to chew. I'm not ready to give up, but perhaps I should. I have talked to my teachers about my well-being and my current situation multiple times. They are aware of my mental illness and how that affects me in life. They know that certain things can and will function as so called *"trigger points"*. My grades have slipped these last few months. Mostly because life is too much to handle so to speak. It's too difficult to try and explain the whole situation in English as it isn't my native language. Let's think of it like this: I'm usually getting anything between A-C. I've been getting E on anything I've done after my summer courses. **Instead** of trying to talk to me, both of my teachers have given me E. They've given me E, even if my papers haven't been good enough because they **know** that I'm better than an F. They've treated me wrongly and unfair and I spoke with both of my teachers earlier this week about it. They admit that they've treated me wrongly and we had a good talk. They know better now, and I feel better about it too. I had the chance to share my perspective and to give them even more insight. They are sorry for not talking to me about things, as they could clearly see that something weren't right. I will be treated accurate going forward. In the beginning of this week, I also lost my extra job. My extra job and a portion of my Steem income has been literally my **only** way to survive. With the **decline** in price of Steem (and SBD), I've had to rely even further on my job. I contacted my boss the first time a few weeks ago, as I could clearly see that I were in huge need of more hours. A second call, earlier this week, resulted in no more hours at all. I wasn't fired or anything... I actually quit. It was my decision. The reason behind my decision was because they couldn't give me more hours and they couldn't even promise me a single hour per week. As I work extra, they only call me when they need extra manpower and the list of extra personnel is longer than a little kids wish-list for Christmas. So, I'm sitting here without a job, as a full time student with an income too small to pay for my living expenses during a free fall in crypto... With the underlying mental illness I suffer from. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade... But when life gives you troubles and you can't find solutions for them, no matter how many times you try and no matter what you do... I guess you give up. Even though I know that, and even though it sounds like the only thing to do, I can't. I can't give up on my dreams. I can't give up on life. For each thing I overcome, accomplish and/or find solutions for, two more shows up. It's been like this for several years already, but I haven't given up yet. The problem is, that there's no more breathing room. Bills are starting to piling up and the reality kicks in more and more for each second. Like I mentioned in a [previous post](https://steemit.com/writing/@hitmeasap/i-grow-you-grow-we-grow-growth-is-key-more-number-crunching#@hitmeasap/re-preparedwombat-preparedwombat-re-hitmeasap-i-grow-you-grow-we-grow-growth-is-key-more-number-crunching-20181113t044422953z), I've done everything I can to cut expenses. I don't even have Netflix anymore, even though it's a cost of ~$11 per month. I haven't had my asthma medicine since mid-summer because I haven't been able to pay for it. As I haven't been able to pay for my internet, they'll shut it down any day now. Things are truly messed up and I hate it... But I can't give up. I don't want to be a quitter. I value life too much to give up. I value my dreams too much. I want to fulfill my dreams, because I know that I will have a positive affect in other people's lives. I want to help those who suffers from mental illness to live their lives to the fullest, and my current education is the first stepping stone in that direction. I'm afraid that I don't have what it takes to accomplish this though. I've started to lose faith. With all that being said, I am truly thankful for all the amazing stories I've read and had the pleasure to be a part of on Steem(it). You've all been giving me inspiration and strength through thick and thin and even though I've failed to be active lately, I am still grateful for all the wonderful things I've witnessed here. I appreciate each and every comment I've got, (except for the trolls and any form of beggars), and I am truly thankful for my audience I've been able to build during my 2+ years on Steemit. You're all amazing and I wish you all the best things in life. --- ![hitmeasapsign.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcg2ZoSsKuvj4dsBVL8fBhM3avSnxMreBB9vKsYeTQEDw/hitmeasapsign.png) ---