Sometimes I feel… or rather think (okay, let’s be honest… overthink) that I should stop drawing portraits because they may not sell. Like, why would people want to hang that on their wall, or… would I?! Okay, I probably would… and in truth, I believe that the portrait work I do is unique enough to make quite a creatively positive impact, especially when it’s big and bold.
But you know that little gremlin, the one that creeps into our minds… crafted solely by ourselves to self-sabotage? Yes, that one… well, it keeps telling me I should “conform”, or at the very least stick to the other thing I love to draw, which is a little more palatable for general society - ie. flowers and/or nature.
I have to constantly remind myself that my creations are not about mass production or sales results. They are an extension of myself. They are part of me… my soul, my emotions, thoughts, and all that other “baggage”, haha… you know the kind! That’s why I draw, not unlike why I write, too. I suppose it’s a bit of a catch-22 when your passion becomes one of your survival mechanisms.
I don’t know what it is about portraits of women that captivates me enough to draw them repeatedly, though I suppose, being a woman myself it’s not all that mysterious. A handful of you might remember that a few years ago, I did a collection of 80 portraits. It started out as a bit of a creative challenge to myself, because that aforementioned little gremlin kept whispering that I didn’t have what it took to draw a portrait successfully. But then I drew one. Then two. And as the number kept climbing, it became more about expression… a release for all the hurt and anger buried deep within me.
Drawing female portraits became the catalyst for my healing. And I suppose it makes sense that now, after navigating thirteen years with the person I thought I’d grow old with, and finding myself in a new, unplanned “single mother” chapter at the age of 45… I might be in need of a little extra healing, lol.
Interestingly enough, when I drew that collection, it wasn’t just about reflecting on past emotional trauma… it helped me cope with the emotional pain I was carrying at the time, too. It didn’t fix anything in my life back recently, but it helped me keep the backpack on for a while longer. Whether that was the best thing or not, I don’t know… but I still maintain that everything happens for a reason.
I’ve always believed that each of us has a specific purpose during our time here… something unique, like a fingerprint. And so are the experiences that shape us along the way. I try, as best I can, to trust that process… within reasonable limits, most of the time, lol.
I often think back to my college lecturer… with his one-and-a-half legs, dramatic flair, and Monday afternoon whisky haze after our long mornings of “life drawing” in the hall below our studios in Muizenberg. Every Monday we had a nude subject to draw - which, as a bunch of teens, was… something, haha! After the sessions, we would gather for crit. I genuinely sucked at body proportions and all those things that required a “good eye” without the gridding cheat. The only tools we were allowed for scale were the pencil in our hand and our eyes. And, well… I failed. Every. Single. Monday. Monumentally.
Crit sessions filled me with dread. But John, our lecturer, never seemed too harsh. He always complimented my eyes and hair and said my skin shading was spectacular. I think he was kindly trying to spare me the shame of my lack of anatomical accuracy, haha. Sweet man. He’s long since passed, and never did get to paint me… though he always swore he would. He used to call me his Botticelli girl, because of my long, wavy red hair. If you don’t know the name Botticelli… trust me, you know the work, especially the girl in the oyster shell.
Not much has changed, really. I still don’t draw bodies very often… or any of the tricky anatomical bits, to be honest. None of my ladies ever have ears, and they seldom have open mouths either… I suppose it’s become part of my style, in a way. Ears covered in flowers and closed-lip smiles, if they’re even smiling, which they mostly aren’t. Because: drama! Haha. And I still have a passion for the hair and the eyes. Perhaps it is more about where one’s “passion lies” rather than what you are capable of - or not.
Maybe my often off-centre and out-the-box portraits won’t ever get the most likes or bring in heaps of sales… but I think I’ll keep drawing them. Not just because I want to… but because I need to.
My thinking is that somewhere between the skew lines, the eyes, the closed mouths and the missing ears… I am telling my own truth, not necessarily for it to be understood, but rather for it to be felt and identified with on some level. Maybe that is what these portraits are, not perfectly proportioned likenesses, but echoes of a self I’m still in conversation with and the one I am becoming.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
https://linktr.ee/ferallafemme
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My dear friend, congrats. You are a good artist. I love your portrait. Regards!
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